Megan Simpson's Writing Portfolio

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Stop. Literally just stop what you’re doing right now. Well, actually don’t, because you’re reading this. What I mean is: STOP STUDYING. No, I’m serious. Cut it out. Your eyes are starting to strain and your neck probably hurts. When did you last eat? Remember what showering is? When’s the last time you called your mother? Sure, it’s dead week and you’re tired but you’ve got a million things to turn in this week and that group you need to meet with to discuss your project and that professor you need to beg for extra credit and that book to take out of the package a start reading: I understand. I’m right there with you and I feel your pain. BUT, do you want to know the difference between me and you? I prioritize. These next five things are exponentially more important than beating yourself over the head with a textbook you never should have spent $100 on. Instead of studying for finals, you could:

1) Watch the second to last episode of Zoey 101, because I know you haven't.

Why? Because, spoiler alert, Quinn and Logan?? Really? The most cliched relationship of popular kid and nerd??? SURPRISE US, NICKELODEON. C’MON. Also, I dare you to go the entire episode without turning to your roommates and going “hehehe Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant here and no one knows hehehe.” (Sidenote, notice I didn’t say the last episode, because the last episode is lame. It’s all flashbacks. It’s almost as lame as being twenty years old and having opinions about Zoey 101). (Chase is hot).

2) Do that new Facebook cleanse everyone’s talking about.  

Jump on the bandwagon! Take a few hours or days or months and scroll through all your Facebook friends to see who’s still relevant in your life. This is a great way to give yourself a God complex. It’s also a great time to mass-delete all of your older relatives on Facebook. If they call to question you, attribute it to “those damn brainiacs changing around the interwebs again.” This will cause them to rant and forget why they began talking about it in the first place. Let’s face it: you love great aunt Linda, you really do, but God knows you’re going to lose your sh*t if you have to see another blurry picture of green bean casserole and old pictures of her niece. Plus, does she really care about the Mean Girls articles and “roomie love” pictures you share? No. So this is a win-win.

3) PHOTOSHOOT.

Grab your best guys and gals and then grab a guy or gal with a super nice camera who’s not part of your inner circle (“Timmy, I know we’ve rejected your friendship for the past three years, but you wanna take pictures of us throwing leaves at each other? We’ll pay you! In contrived compliments“) and Google the nearest park or beach or unfinished parking lot near your film school hahahahaha don’t do that last one. Get creative and pick each other up. Expert tip: before each pose, decide what the Facebook or Instagram caption will be so there’s no confusion on what face everyone’s making. Warning: Someone is going to suggest you send this out as a Christmas/holiday card to others. Do not do the thing! Studies show that people will think you’re a tool. Trust me.

4) Incite a SnapChat war with your roommates                      

This is the newest craze of the day! If you love an adore your roommates, start the game! You will be holding plastic knives to each other’s neck in 24 hours flat. It’s so great. The battle requires two or more players. Your only objective is to take candid pictures of your opponents without their knowledge. The only rule is that there are no rules… out here in the field, we fight for our meals. That’s right, kids, you can sneak up on her while she’s writing a paper in the library and snap one of the back of her head. You can get her in line at Einsteins while she debates on whether she wants to risk trying a Pumpkin Latte. You can even put your phone right in her face when she’s sleeping. This is also known as the Hotel California of games because once you check in, you’re here ’til you die. It’ll never end. But have fun with it.

5) Channel your inner 'Master of Disguise' and simply become another person.

This is perhaps the most important thing you must do over studying for finals. Instead of wasting any more of your parents money, you can morph into literally anything else other than yourself. They weren’t kidding when they said you could become anything you wanted to be. Perhaps you’d enjoy becoming a television so that people can finally find you entertaining. Maybe you’d do well as a telemarketer because then you could be paid to be annoying (your lifelong dream!) You could be your favorite celebrity. You could be the person you’re 87% sure is dating your favorite celebrity. You could be a cat and revel in the fact that your a simultaneously loved and hated in this country. You could be money for the sole purpose of making yourself rain. You could be a Mighty Morphin’ Power Ranger for God’s sake. ANYTHING. Because, let’s face it, being anything else right now would be 3527 times easier than being a college student about to take finals. May the curve be ever in your favor.