LA Dreamz

10/30/17

            Surf! Sun! Sand! Sandy surfing with full-body wetsuits because the Pacific Ocean is cold as a witch’s tit! People whose faces you see on TV all the time but, like, you still refer to them as “the dude from the cop show that’s on after the doctor show!” Welcome, bros and broheimas, to the greater Los Angeles area!

            Divided up into, like, a thousand different neighborhoods – none of which have definitive divides that everyone can agree upon – the City of Angels has something for every dope-ass tourist. A fan of nature? Be prepared to become lost and somehow magically asthmatic with our bounty of hidden and dusty hiking trails that somehow all lead to the same reservoir in The Valley! More of a city slicker? Check out our captivating downtown area that only spans about eight city blocks and trill warehouses that’ll have you saying “why the fuck is every single parking lot closed at any given time of the day or night?!” Wanna cruise over to the beach? Enjoy the sick sights of the Santa Monica Pier which include, but aren’t limited to, a 200-pound drunk dude dressed as Elmo playing the ukulele, about two square feet of available sand to set down your towel, and that’s it! I lied about the list not being limited!

            Bring the kids and spend the day at Universal Studios Hollywood, where they’re sure to remember the confusing premise of the live-action show Water World while you try to explain to them that it’s based on an obscure movie from the 90s – that had Jack Black in it! Fiendin’ for some magic (not the cocaine kind – but like, we’ll get there)? Fly those brooms over to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter where you and your little guys can wait in line at Ollivander’s for an hour just to see some other kid get the “wand chooses the wizard” experience of their dreams before being ushered into a gift shop! Love gift shops? You will no longer love them after this legit trip!

            Head for an upscale and romantic getaway in expensive-as-fuck Beverly Hills! Fun fact: BH is, like, technically not a part of Los Angeles, despite it being smack-dab in the middle of the county, because the world is a confusing place! Also, neither is Santa Monica! We’re silly – and we also have Prada! Put those heels on the pavement and serpentine your way through numerous high-end retailers while dressed in your best knock-offs as to confuse the locals. Another fun fact comin’ atcha: Beverly Hills locals rarely shop for themselves, so you’ve donned your faux-finest for absolutely no reason! Plan lunch at all of the restaurants at which you’ve seen your fave reality stars dine numerous times and copy-cat every single person wearing oversized sunglasses indoors because, what the hell, when in Rome, right? Of course, like, in this scenario, Rome is filled with a bunch of shit you cannot afford. Scurry your ass over to Michael Kors where you belong, peasant! Michael Kors: the Wal-Mart of designer brands.

            And no trip to Tinsel Town would be complete without a sexy stroll through Hollywood, baby! Have dinner with Marilyn Monroe’s ghost in the spooky-but-restored-but-also-vaguely-Art-Deco Roosevelt Hotel – oh wait, could it be? You’re actually eating with a Marilyn Monroe impersonator from Hollywood Boulevard! If you make eye contact with her for even, like, a nano-second, her swoll bodyguard will put an anaconda on your neck and ask for $10 to take a picture with it! Once you’re full – but not, like, too full, right? I mean, you still have to work in this town – fulfill your wildest childhood dreams by heading over to the Grauman’s Chinese Theatre and putting your hand on the fabulous, old cement that literally millions of people have touched with probably every body part, just to see if you have the same hand size as Rhonda Fleming! Who the fuck is that, anyway?! Look it up on your phone since there are just two guards who will not know the answer to any historical question you ask! Go ahead and try… Psych! The guy you though was an officer of the law is just another dude with an anaconda! Smile, you damn out-of-towner!

            You can search for celebrities up, down, left, and right – pay for expensive bus tours, pay for even more expensive walking tours, stake out the hottest nightclub, trespass your way through the Hollywood Hills, take a fucking helicopter ride around the entire city – but it is our 100%, money-back guarantee that your only encounter with a famous person will be when you go behind a bush to throw up from bad Thai food and Jeff Goldblum gives you a friendly, “it’s okay, we’re all still drunk from last night!” while walking his dog! Hot tip: if you shoot him finger guns, even in your sickly state, he will sprinkle cocaine like fairy dust on your head – that’s how literally everyone in this town gets cocaine! Thanks, Jeff Goldblum! #WeLiveWhereYouVacation #LosAngeles